I've never felt like giving up so much on life until this single moment. I have been struggling with some hardcore depression this Summer. Everything is just hitting so hard all at once. I feel lonely, heart broken, I feel so alone. I've never felt as if I had anyone to confide in for such a long time. From this day on, I've been so alone. I have no one. I'm not really close to anyone in my family; my cousins who I am close to are in another country and the only one I am close to adult wise is my aunty who is in another state. I haven't talked to one my of closest friends in almost a week. I feel so hurt...I keep wanting to hold on to a string of hope or faith...because without my faith in God and without hope, I don't know if I'll be able to hang on any longer. It really seemed as if life was getting so much better, I thought that I was going to get a job, I thought that I'd be able to go to Colorado to visit my favorite aunt next month, me and my best friend were on good terms, things were getting a little better....but now, I feel as if I've hit rock bottom. Too many times do I feel the burden of sadness and despair over feeling happiness. I don't know how long I'll be able to handle this anymore. Everything that has ever meant anything to me is all gone.
I'm in shock. Never would have I ever thought that I'd ever be in this position. I honestly used to so full of life, happiness, everything good in life was all I ever focused on. I had friends, a father, even someone I loved...material things don't even matter to me anymore because I know that the happiness they bring only lasts so long. I would give everything to have the people that were once in my life back into my life again...ANYTHING. The loneliness I feel is unbearable. I honestly don't know when happiness will ever be within my reach again.
I thank God everyday for the blessings that I do have and I pray for better days. I pray that I will find happiness in my life, genuine people that will last as lifetime friends, that love me for me, that don't and won't use me just for their own advantage, to find a love that is true and everlasting with a man that has a nice sense of humor, and that has a kind heart. Happiness and peace within my whole family including myself, a long life with good health, and no financial hardship. That is what I pray for, and I know that God is full of miracles and surprises...I hope he blesses me with a miracle as soon as he can, because I need it more then anything right now.
I honestly believe that I would never physically harm myself, because I know the pain it can cause upon others, a lifetime of pain that just hurts too much to even think about. I know this from experience, and I miss that person with all my heart. Every particle in my body, I MISS YOU. I know you're in paradise with God, watching over me...guiding me. I know you and God will help guide me through this rocky path in life and lead me to better days, out of the darkness. Into a life where reality is finally better then my dreams, and the sun shines all day. After every storm comes a rainbow. I hope and pray with all of me, that my storm with run dry. That my happily ever after will occur and that I will never ever feel this low again in life.
OK...I think I'll end this post here. I had to vent, I just HAD to. I'm feeling a bit better, just a bit. But I know God is helping me right now along with my loved ones in Heaven. I apologize for this post not being all flowers and glitter, but I do have my days where I feel blue. This sadly happen to be one of them...Bye bye for now.
- Mina.
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